Over the last year a lot has changed for me. I made the decision to leave London and move back to Yorkshire to be closer to my family and save to buy a house.

It was an easy decision as I had become home sick after living in London for 8 years, and knew that I would be able to buy a house closer to mum thanks to house prices being a lot cheaper in the north. However, it came with a flash of sadness knowing I would be moving away from some of the amazing friends I had made. But I knew it was the best for me and my mental health.

I was offered a job in a school close to mums, and started looking at houses over the summer. Everything seemed like it was going to be perfect, the staff at the knew school were friendly and the children were lovely.

Once I had moved home properly I reconnected with my friends. It was great to feel settled and back within my support system. I also started dating again and met my lovely boyfriend who is the most supportive man I could have hoped to meet.

I started at the new school and I thought things were going to be ok. But then I started to feel like everything I tried to do wasn’t good enough.

Just after October half term I decided to hand my notice in and leave teaching. It was not the job I signed up for when I did my PGCE and no longer felt like it was about the best interests of the children but more about the data and prepping for OFSTED constantly. I felt such a sense of relief and like I could breath again.

I started looking for other roles where I could feel like I am making a difference. I found that in the form of residential care work.

I can’t wait to start my knew role. I have just finished two weeks training, where I met a group of amazing people.

The changes I have made are to make me happy not anyone else. I can’t wait for this new adventure. I know I will succeed with the support of my family, friends and boyfriend.

During the first lockdown my mental health took a nose dive. I didn’t cope with the fact I couldn’t see my mum and it turned into 6months before I could see her. I was thankful for my boyfriend being there with me. If I’d been on my own in my old flat share I think I would have been 10 times worse than I was. I didn’t want to leave the house apart from to go to the supermarket, and even then I was having panic attacks.

I started to look for ways to deal with the anxiety I was facing each day. Sometimes it was reading a book, cleaning up, listening to some music, watching a tv show. But these seemed to be like quick fixes. They distracted me in the moment.

I tried some counselling before Christmas that was offered to key workers, but I have a love hate with it. I love the idea of talking about how I feel but hate it when it comes down to discussing my anxiety and where it comes from.

At the same time as trying counselling my mum was going through testing for cancer. So my head was all over the place. Thankfully the doctors caught it early and she was recovering before Christmas.

After Christmas we went into the 3rd national lockdown and schools were only open to key worker’s children and our vulnerable children. Every school has done something different. At my school we were in school teaching live lessons to the children at home and the children that were in were supported by HLTA’s (taking part in the live lessons.) I was a learning curve but we have got the hang of it now.

I knew I needed to find a new method of dealing with the situations that keep arising.

For my lockdown birthday I asked for money from my mum so that I could buy something that I wanted when I saw it. So I ordered a candle making kit from Amazon. It sat on the kitchen table for a couple of weeks. However, when half term I decided to have a go at making 6 small candles.

For the first time in a long time I properly switched off from everything around me and just focused on making my candles. I put some music on and was concentrating on following the instructions. I enjoyed it so much and felt really relaxed. So I decided to order some more wax, scents and colours. I have been messing with the colours and scents, sometimes trying to match a colour to the scent. But other times I like messing with the colour so it is a complete mismatch. For example I made a lemon scented candle that was bright blue in colour.

I’m now in my 3 week of making candles. I created an Instagram page and started selling the candles I made. I’ve been finding different containers and been given different jars – recycling things rather than buying new. People are placing orders for different scents and colours. I come home from work spend an hour making some candles to unwind and then I feel distressed and less anxious.

Candle making works for me for now. It might change in the future, but while I’m enjoying and it’s helping me unwind. It might not work in a few months or in years time but I’m rolling with it as my own form of therapy.

Think about your own mental health – what do you enjoy doing? What helps you to unwind or switch off? Use it to your advantage to help deal the different situations.

It’s been a while since my last blog and a lot had happened in the world since then.

The UK is now a week into our 3 national lockdown. Though when I look out my window it appears that people didn’t get the message. It is all well and good the government tell people to stay home to help protect our NHS but unless it’s really enforced it’s not going to make a difference.

Both myself and my partner are key workers so don’t have a choice about going out each day. After the first lockdown when I was working from home creating learning resources for my class – I’m sure both of being a work will be a god send and stop us driving each other insane. However we both want to feel safe going to work. As my family and friends will know I’m am one for rules being followed and knowing what I’m doing. So have been finding it hard that other people are not listening to the rules and guidelines for schools changing daily if not hourly at the minute.

Schools have been getting a mixture of press this week. Not helped by the numpty of an education minister telling parents to complain to Ofsted about remote learning, despite the fact that we were literally given 12hours notice to get ourselves together and ready to ‘go live’. However, the feedback from our parents and from the posts I have seen on social media the feedback has been positive and understand it is going to take time to get going properly. We had a few technical difficulties and were trying to figure out how to share the screens etc but on a whole the only issue was the children sending emojis to each other instead of listening to us. We had key worker children in a classroom (no bubbles mixed, they are staying in their own year groups) and we are teaching the live lessons from another room. It works quite well.

We are all still wondering if and when we will get vaccinated, because surely if the teachers are vaccinated then we can get the children back in school as the adults would be less at risk. But I guess that’s up to the big wigs in government.

I don’t know about other teachers but my anxiety is through the roof. I’m not sleeping and having weird and wonderful dreams. Last nights was the best – my whole class were talking penguins and there being huge piles of noodles outside my mums house so that I couldn’t park there. I would love for a decent nights sleep but post work naps are the way forward for now.

My main worry is when I will get to see my mum again. She is in Yorkshire and I’m in London. In lockdown 1, it was 6months before I got to see her in person and thanks to Boris’ last minute tier 4 announcement she spent Christmas there instead of with us. It was the hardest Christmas I’ve had. I hope this year will not be the same.

Stay safe out there.

Every day someone in a workplace is signed off from their job due to mental health issues.

It is an increasing issue, especially in the education. But should we be sacrificing our own wellbeing for the sake of a job where we’re we would be replaced without a second glance.

Goals posts are ever being changed in education, dictated by a government who were last in a classroom when they left school. They know nothing of the daily struggles we face with budget cuts and decline in children’s behaviour.

More focus is put in sats and children making age related expected levels, than the child’s well being and the progress they’ve made based on them as a individual. In the current system they are seen as a percentage in a set of data and the teachers are forced to push the children to achieve unrealistic targets.

I see on a day to day basis children who don’t fit into the square shaped peg hole we are trying to force them into, when really they are a star waiting to shine. Children that are just like I was at school, falling through the cracks because they are quiet or not as ‘academic’ as other children. These children are artistic, story tellers, singers or PE stars in the making. These are the type of children that would also make fantastic teachers in the future due to their passion and determination. Just like the teachers I had that inspired me and hopefully the type of teacher I am to those in my class.

Unfortunately it is getting harder and harder to be an inspiration teacher when everything in schools can change from one day to the next. Whether it’s reading, writing or curriculum, things change so regularly that teachers and students don’t know if they are coming or going. This is thanks to Ofsted and the government changing what they expect of schools, and it having to be filtered down.

Constant change and unclear direction can be what affects mental health (in all walks of life not just teaching) and leads to stress, anxiety and depression. Employers should be doing more to ensure that their employees have a positive mental well being and don’t feel pressured to be pushed toward unrealistic targets. Putting strain on how they feel and making them feel that they should hide it. Many people still feel ashamed to stand up and say ‘I have a mental health issue, I need support’ for fear they will be told the same old phrases ‘what have you got to be stressed about?’ Or ‘anxiety, it’s all in your head,’ or my favourite ‘can’t you just cheer up?’ TRUST ME!! None of these are helpful. I’ve been there and still am.

Employers are scared of the words stress, anxiety or depression – unlike our fear – they fear they will lose good workers. And we are good if not great workers. But we need some support.

There’s some companies that have staff yoga, or chill out zones. But does this really improve over all well being? Or does it just help for that moment in time. Real well being comes from a decent work life balance, a supportive team, and understanding responsible employer. Without these you may feel like you are drowning.

I am lucky that I currently have a very supportive team around me at work, and an amazing support network at home. However, I still have many days when I feel like a fish out of water. But I am slowly coming to realise that my mental outlook on life is far more important than any job. More people need to realise that as well.

I’ve come to the conclusion that no amount of salary is worth your own health and over all well being. Do what you need to do for you and no one else!

4 weeks into the new school term and I don’t make it to lunch time on the Monday because I’m too poorly. Which leaves me questioning… do we push ourselves too hard at work, when we would be replaced within a week?

Many people seem to think as teachers, we are in a privileged position. Work 9-3 and get all these holidays. However this couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s more like work 7-5 at school and often have stuff to do when we get home and at a weekend. People also don’t see that we work through the holidays: planning, marking, resource making. They also don’t realise that a lot of the time we use our own money to spend on our classrooms to make them engaging and interesting for the children.It’s only if you are friends with a teacher or related to one that you understand fully what we go through on a daily basis. My mum has seen me for the last five years, preparing, marking and planning etc. However, it wasn’t until she came to work with me to help out on a couple of school trips that she fully understood.

We have to put up with a lot. Changing goal posts, data, marking, assessments, trying to fit children that are square pegs into the governments round holes. The useless numpties in parliament don’t seem to get that all children are different and therefore learn differently and will not all meet the same targets at the same time.

We run ourselves into the ground to make sure we provide the best leaning environment for the children in our care. But seem to forget about our own well being – both our physical and mental health.

My school is actually good at making sure we take care of ourselves and we have well-being days, as well as staff keep fit, nights out etc. Slt are the most supportive I have seen in all the schools I have been in. My year lead is amazing – he’s told me to go to him about anything, especially with my anxiety, and makes me feel part of a working team not just a spare part.

But today has made realise I have been working myself too hard. I’ve worked 14 days in a row, but haven’t given my body time to rest after starting to feel unwell last week. It has been instilled in me from a young age that you don’t take time off unless you are really poorly, so I will always try to work even if I feel under the weather.

Sometimes we just have to give in to our bodies and listen when we need to rest and recover.

Teachers – take care of yourselves, our wellbeing is just as important as children’s. Remember They need us at our best in order to become their best 😊

It’s been a while since I last posted on my blog.

Don’t worry though… there has been good reasons.

1. I’m now back at work after a wonderful summer off. Loving my new class, being in year 3 with a wonderful team. After the stress from last year and the not so nice atmosphere down in my previous year group, it is a nice change to feel supported and that my opinion matters. I moved up with my year group from year 2 to year 3, however, I have a different class, which had its own challenges. The children know me though and my expectations. Plus they keep me laughing every day.

This week has been full of laughs and fun. On Thursday we had an Ancient Greek afternoon to introduce our topic. All the teachers and children dressed up in togas and we brought in Greek food for the children to try. I had a failed attempt to teach my class how to do some dancing. Everyone seemed to enjoy it though.

I have to say, I was glad when Friday evening came, as I was knackered and needed a big sleep.

2. I am now tutoring 3 times a week after work and at a weekend. Both boys are brilliant and need help with their learning in different ways.

I didn’t think I would enjoy tutoring. Other people had mentioned it as a way of earning some extra cash, but I wasn’t sure I would be able to take more time do tutor on top of working full time.

However, it turns out I really enjoy it. It doesn’t feel like work and isn’t stressful. It’s more fun, and it’s important to me that the boys enjoy their lessons rather than thinking of it as extra work.

I know mum is worried about me putting extra stress on myself and that I’ll be too tried. However, I feel like it’s doing me good. I’m out of the house meeting me people, and doing the job I love. If anything I’m actually feeling more relaxed than I have in a long time.

New ventures with more exciting things to come 😊

Anxiety. It’s a funny word. Attached to it comes a lot of stigma, just like any mental illness.

My bumbling, messy journey with anxiety probably started way before I was even aware of it.

It wasn’t until I ended up being carted off to North Mids hospital in an ambulance for the second time in 2 months, in 2015, that I started to realise that the stabbing pains and dizziness I was experiencing, was actually down to stress and anxiety, not to gallstone as we thought on my first visit to A&E.

I hate hospitals, most people do. My fear of them comes from seeing my grandma there it what I referred to as the ‘ nutty ward’ where I was convinced she did not need to be.

Flash forward to July 2015, alone in a strange hospital with no one I knew and a dying battery, I was terrified and didn’t love the thought of doctors prodding and poking. I remember them having to calm me down as they tried to fit and iv drip into my arm. It was freezing thanks to the air con and all I wanted was my mum. They took me to the ward at about 1am and I tried to sleep. The next morning the priding and poking my poor tummy started again and was sent off for an ultrasound. I was starving at this point as I was nil by mouth until I’d had the scan. Gallstones was still the potential cause at the time.

Secretly I was quite glad to be there and not on placement. My mentor wasn’t the nicest person in the world and made me feel like I was incompetent of doing anything. Hence the stomach pains and feeling sick. I was convinced I was going to fail my placement and lose out on my dream job of being a teacher. Thankfully my tutor from uni was on my side. Doses up to my eye balls on as sack full of painkillers I went off home, after spending all day on the ward on the hottest day of the year with no air con. (Freezing in A&E. Boiling on the ward).

Being around family seemed to help. But panic attacks were still common. I went off home to mums for the summer and thought things would be better. But a month into my NQT year I had the stabbing tummy pains again and collapsed at school. Back I went to the fun factory. Only the doctors weren’t as nice that time. The drip wasn’t in my arm properly so the machine connecting it was peeping all night, there was a lady shouting for help and someone else arguing with the doctor. Recuse the near day came in the form of auntie Sue. I was told I wasn’t staying at home on my own so we went to get some over night things and off to Barnet we went.

My cousin’s wife and daughter came round the next morning to be with my and uncle Dave. Auntie sue rang throughout the day to check I had eaten and taken my tablets. Annie cuddles was the best therapy for me 😊

After getting the all clear and was diagnosed with anxiety. I was offered tablets which I declined and decided to try counselling (for the 3rd time) it didn’t work. So I gave up and asked for medication. I just wanted to be able to sleep properly, as night terrors were a regular things.

They tablets seemed to work for a bit, but then last year so much change happened at my old school that my head didn’t seem to handle it. I applied for a new job and left the ‘fun factory’ in July 2018. It was the right choice… oh so I thought.

I was hoping new school. New people, no dreaded thought of ofsted.

It wasn’t so bad to start off with. Though panic attacks were still happening when observations loomed. I was struggling with the behaviour of one child in particular. The doctor upped my medication to help with the undue stress and the pressure that came with being in a sats year group. This last year has many ups and downs. I think it was the right choice to move schools and am looking forward to this next year.

But anxiety is still there in the back of my mind. Whether it’s worry about money, or family, or the most annoying housemate in the world. I am having good days and bad days. Saturday (3/8/19) was a bad day. I had gone into central London with my boyfriend as we were going to the cat cafe. But on the way back the tube was really busy and there was an awful lot of people in the stations. My boyfriend is great at calming me down, but at that moment I just wanted to get out of there. The bus to Enfield was just as busy, it was hot and smelly. Once back in my safe space I was able to calm down and relax.

I have been the happiest I have been in a long time, but I am no where near being anxiety free, as much as I wish I was. Sometimes I feel that people think I’m just putting it on do attention. But as most people who know me know, attention is the last thing I want when having an anxiety attack. I just want to get a stage where I am confident enough to be in crowded places, not get worked up over observations and be able to go out and socialise.

When it comes to dealing with it, reading, drawing and being creative helps. However, the biggest comfort comes in the form of my family – mum, auntie sue, uncle Dave, Tom, Kat, the kids and Basim. The adults let me vent, cry, shout, ask for advice and my two squishes just want to play and draw which is sometimes all the therapy I need.

Stress and anxiety affects us all in different ways. Mine comes in the form of stabbing pains in the tummy. For others it might be head aches, chest pain or tingling fingers. We’re not crazy or attention seeking, it is our bodies acting completely naturally to situations we feel uncomfortable in. – fight or flight mode. It’s how we chose to handle the situation the determines how we then react to the feeling. Do we run from it and panic or do we stay and fight and say ‘I will not let you scare me’. For me I feel it’s time to stop running and time to fight anxiety and take back my life properly, so I can enjoy teaching my wonderful class, have fun adventures with Basim and stop letting things scare me, instead embrace them and say ‘screw you, I’m Emily Clark! I’m amazing! I’m ready to take on the world!’

Are you ready to fight back?

I’m sure going to have fun on my adventure.

I’m new to blogging and not a clue where to start. I think it comes from my crazy urge to write a children’s book. I love books and always will. My safe place is a book store or a library – a passion I thankful share with my mum and boyfriend.

When I say I love books I have found that growing up books (any text of writing for that matter) didn’t exactly love me. The words would swirl all over the page and I’d read words that weren’t there. It would make sense to me but I would hear mum or teachers saying ‘read the words that are there’. Little did we know at the time, that my poor brain couldn’t help it.

I would dread the thought of being picked to read out loud in class for 3 reasons:

1. I was the shy child who didn’t speak to many people.

2. I got mixed up over words and would get sarky comments from the ‘loud outspoken kids’.

3. I felt stupid when I got it wrong.

All I wanted to do was read quietly in peace in my own world not share it to everyone else.

This was something I struggled with throughout primary and secondary school.

Year 5 came around and I found performing arts. Something mum and my dear grandma thought would be good for my confidence. Every week off I went to ‘H club’ where we would sing and act. I still struggles with reading the scripts but found that putting actions to words made it a lot easier for me, especially when it came to learning the lines. Drama was my favourite subject all the way through school, I found it an escape from everything else going on, just like when I read my books. I could hide away from bullies pretend to be someone other than me. School was not my favourite place – I think that’s one of the reasons I wanted to be a teacher. I want children to learn and grow and have a better experience than I did.

Something that has stuck with me since I was 17 and has spurred me on to do better, was something my head of 6th form said to me just before I left to start my performing arts Btec. I had told him I had an interest in becoming a drama therapist. To which he responded ‘how can you help others when you won’t help yourself. You won’t amount to anything’. Let’s just say I showed him. 2 degrees later I am doing my dream job of teaching.

Doubtful teachers wasn’t my problem though. I was still struggling with my reading, spelling was rubbish (still is), time keeping awful and never organised. Heading to uni in Lincoln I decided to take action and find out why I was struggling so much. I met my uni saviour in the form of Shan the dyslexia support worker. She did some tests with me which confirmed our thoughts that I was most likely to have dyslexia and had been keeping my struggles under the radar all through school. Off the the Ed psychologist I went and at the age of 20 it was confirmed that I had dyslexia. It took me a while to get my head around (and mums as well). I got through uni despite all the tears and tantrums. ‘I want to quit and come home’ was a phrase my poor mum heard down the phone on many occasions (at least once a term). My favourite part was writing my dissertation, even though most people would hate it. I focused on how drama can help people with dyslexia to learn.

I was finding even after uni that there was such a stigma attached to people with dyslexia in the why there is if you are suffering with a mental illness. The phrase ‘it’s just an excuse for lazy people’ was often heard. It made me ashamed to admit I was dyslexic.

But I no longer feel ashamed or afraid to speak out in front of people. – it’s my job after all. But I’m also not afraid to get it wrong. I will quite often get confused over a spelling if the children ask me and I’m not sure – thank goodness for computers and my fantastic TA. The children laugh with me about it and I am able to show them that it’s ok to get things wrong and get muddled it’s how we learn. They often ask what I mean by dyslexia. I simply tell them, my brain works a little differently to other people, I struggle with spelling and reading, but every day I practise and I learn from my mistakes. What I don’t tell them is the amount of times I was called stupid, thick or lazy. Or that I felt let down by my teachers at school. I don’t want them to see dyslexia as a negative but that I see it as a positive as I see the world in a different way.

For them I want them to find an enjoyment and escapism in reading just the way I do, disappearing off into a far off land. I would love for the children I teach to want to write exciting stories with crazy narratives, not just do the writing because we told them too.

If you are still reading 😂 I am going to be blogging about exciting school life and also writing some short children’s stories that one day I hope to publish.

Enjoy

Em