Down the rabbit hole

I think everyone can agree the last 18 months have been an absolute stinker and not something we were ever prepared for.

I found it so hard when I was restricted from seeing my mum for more than 6months. I know other families have had to wait even longer than that.

My anxiety started to show itself when it wasn’t wanted during the first lockdown – I was scared to go out. However, I started to relax more going back to work in the September. Little did I know that things were going to begin spiralling out of control for me.

We had times when children were sent into school when siblings had tested positive for covid, bubbles bursting and us turning to online learning.

Then it hit, mum had been diagnosed with cancer, and I was in London not being able to do anything. Thankfully they caught it very early and by the beginning of December she had had an operation and it was gone completely. The doctors were amazing to have dealt with it so quickly given everything else going on. But for mum and me, I don’t think either of us had time to process what was happening and the after care she had was not up to the standard she had had before the operation.

London went into tier 4 and I had to leave mum in Yorkshire for Christmas. The first Christmas we’d spent apart. Then the whole country went into lockdown – again. At school we had a days notice to get up and running with live lessons for the children and had to deal with all the issues that came with it.

Easter came and I got to return to Yorkshire. I was still feeling anxious about everything but not as bad as I had been. looming learning walks didn’t help.

By May half term we still didn’t know which year group we were going to be in come September and I was becoming more stressed that I was going to be moved away from my support group. It wasn’t till the end of June/beginning of July that we found out. Queue panic attacks sleepless nights and growing sense of dread. I’ve taught year 1 before so it’s not like it’s completely new to me. It didn’t help that this was going on at the same time as me finding a lump in my boob and was sent off for an urgent ultrasound. Thankfully it came back clear and it is more likely that the pain etc is linked to my cycle and stress.

The day after my ultrasound my car got broken into – not what I needed on top of everything else. The insurance company were really helpful and managed to arrange and car for me to use while mine was at the garage. The garage not so much. They left my car for over 24 hours unsecured.

By the end of term I had had enough, I was homesick, lonely and felt like I had nothing. Dealing with that along with a break up and having to move house.

I had to wait to go home as mum had caught covid while traveling home from visiting me 2 weeks before. Thankfully she had had both vaccines so apart from loosing her smell and being tired she wasn’t too poorly. I managed to get a few days at home before coming back to London to move into my new house. Then I got sick. Endoftermitus! Back to not sleeping or eating. So after 3 nights I went back to mums ready for our trip away. While we were away I felt relaxed, I was away from any drama, I didn’t have to think about work, or houses or anything that made me anxious. I slept so well all week.

I had another week and a half at mums, and I could feel my self sliding. I wasn’t sleeping, didn’t really want to eat much and the night terrors started again. The day I was due to drive back to London I had very little sleep, mum said I could stay another day knowing how tired I was. But I knew if I didn’t go I probably wouldn’t go at all.

I’ve been back in London less than a week, hardly slept, not eating, hot and cold flashes and dizziness. I’ve spent most of the time crying or sleeping, not really spoken to anyone and just feeling low. Yesterday I could feel myself going down the rabbit hole and spiralling out of control. I eventually went to sleep at about 4am. I bit the bullet and contacted the doctors and admitted I needed help to control my anxiety again. This morning I had an appointment over the phone. Spoke to the doctor about how I am feeling and she said they will try to help.

I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole again and need to stop feeling ashamed for having anxiety. My mental health is more important than other peoples opinions or a job.

If you need help speak out.